The Omnipotent Pigeon
by Fluehatraya
Summary: In a fight with a pigeon over a pretzel, Edward Elric is dragged off onto an adventure through space and time!
1. Pigeon Pretzel Pilferer

**Disclaimer: I do not own FMA.**

It was an innocuous day in Central. The sun was shining and the birds were chirping, celebrating the lovely early summer morning. It was not to remain ordinary for long however, and it had only a little to do with the Elric brothers as they walked down the street of a part of the city referred to as the Food District, for the area catered to nothing but restaurants, treat shops, and vendors.

Currently Al and Ed were talking about alchemy when a delicious smell struck the shorter of the duo. The other, being a suit of armor and nothing more than a soul, did not notice and continued on oblivious to the fact that his brother was no longer paying attention, making his way towards the cart from which came the delicious scent while swaying like a charmed snake.

"Al! Money!" Ed shouted, snapping Alphonse out of what he was saying to realize that his brother was no longer beside him, instead a bit behind and to the right of him. He walked over to Edward to see what had caught his attention, and sighed when he saw what it was: pretzels. The huge kind made of delicious chewy dough, slathered in oil and clumped all over with giant salt granules.

"Come on, Brother, really?" He sighed as he looked onto the treats. They looked delicious, and he wished he could taste them, or at least smell them.

"Please? I think I deserve something after I restrained from choking Colonel Bastard over all of those short remarks earlier today." The Fullmetal Alchemist was pleading of his younger brother, although his face darkened as he brought up the recent memory. Alphonse visibly cringed away as he heard the sound that came from Ed gnashing his teeth, hating it.

"Alright, alright!" Al said, fishing into his loincloth (if he wasn't "wearing" armor, it would look very wrong, and even then it still was somewhat) and pulling out from it a wallet. It was actually Ed's wallet, but since his brother could be rather careless when it came to money at times Alphonse had confiscated it and made Ed's finances his jurisdiction.

Alphonse handed the necessary money over to the vendor, who smiled – perhaps at what appeared to be a father or older brother placating his demanding son or younger brother – at the two as he held the pretzel in a piece of parchment out. Ed snatched the tantalizing treat away and bit into it happily, as Al replaced the wallet, thanked the man for his service (shooting Ed what would have been a pointed look if armor could express anything at his lack of manners), and hustled off to return to his brother's side, who had already resumed going down the street.

"Life is good." Ed sighed as he enjoyed his snack, still fresh and warm.

Alphonse was silent, and Ed's thoughts turned to dwell on something that was never far from the front of his mind: himself, his brother, and the Philosopher's Stone. Although he just said life was good, he knew it wasn't. Nothing would be right until they, or at least Al, were restored. He sighed, not seeing his companion's head turn to face him, tilted in a non-verbal inquiry as to why he sighed once again, this one considerably heavier than the one from before.

It had been another failure, this last mission of theirs. What if –

Ed never got to finish his thought, because he became distinctly aware of a tugging sensation at his left arm, and looking to it gasped as he saw the pigeon attempting to fly off with his pretzel!

"You rat-with-wings, let go! This is my pretzel!" Ed snapped, pulling back, but the pigeon was undeterred. Perhaps it was stupid of the death sentence such an act was, or maybe just obstinate. It could be both. But what was more was that its unnatural strength was quite obvious, as it actually started winning in the tug-of-war, reminiscent of the eternal struggle between man and beast in quite the literal way.

"What's a pigeon doing here?" Alphonse wondered to himself as he watched bemusedly. It was a well-known fact that pigeons were near non-existent in Central, for the Flame Alchemist used them as target practice for his fire alchemy . . . although the city had _not _been happy about the statues the pigeons used to perch on being melted also.

"WHO CARES? GET IT TO LET GO!" Ed shouted as he scraped furiously at the ground, the pigeon that must be either very hungry or possessing a vendetta against blond midgets dragging the alchemist, even with his automail limbs, forward as it tugged back.

The spectacle had drawn quite the crowd. Little children laughed and pointed at what they called the silly dwarf, while adults were amused or confused. The people who ran their business in the Food District were very worried, fretting about if pigeon attacks would become common. They didn't want their customers driven off by the unsanitary winged terrors!

The onlookers watched in awe as the pigeon _actually started lifting the young alchemist up into the air_, and Al was too shocked to think of helping his unfortunate brother, frozen in place. In fact, the lower jaw of his helmet had actually dropped to the ground, landing on the pavement with a clang. Unlike the others, Alphonse actually knew that his brother had two chunks of metal in place of limbs.

By now Edward was starting to become very worried; humans were not meant to fly, even if it was only a foot off of the ground, and pigeons were not physically capable of lifting them up off of the ground, dammit!

Suddenly, a space in the air behind where the pigeon was flying into ripped open in a manner similar to a transmutation being performed, brilliant white light spilling out of it and making it impossible to see any further into it. Ed, twisted around, did not see this, but the screams of the crowd alerted him to the fact that, besides a pigeon kidnapping a boy and a state alchemist at that, that something was very wrong.

Being the stubborn person that he was, it never came to Edward's mind that he could free himself by just relinquishing his hold on the pretzel.

There was one last scream before Edward disappeared into the rip in space with pigeon and pretzel, which then sealed up beside him.


	2. Edwards and Tigers and Guards, Oh My!

**Disclaimer: I own neither Fullmetal Alchemist nor any other shows/books/movies/etc. that may show up in this FANFICTION.**

**LINE BREAK**

When Edward came to, it was to a less than desirable situation. Now typically, most people like big cats. They admire them for their adorable looks, powerful physiques, and the air of mystique to them. Of course, there is also the element of deadliness; for it is a well acknowledged fact that the more deadly an animal is the likelier it is to have many admirers among humans.

Emphasis on the deadliness.

Because you see, Edward was a fan of big cats for that reason also. However, he generally preferred them in the pages of a picture, or behind sturdy bars at a zoo; not in a musty-smelling tiny wooden crate with him, staring straight at him with its lips pulled back to bare its fearsome teeth in a snarl, eyes glowing a feral lantern-yellow as thin shafts of light streaming through small holes hit its face.

Edward had a reaction that was perfectly natural for any human at the time: he screamed. The sound caused the tiger – yes, he had found himself in a small crate with the largest big cat in a world, and he had _no _idea how he got there nor was he particularly concerned about that at the time considering the fact that he was stuck in close proximity with a motherfrickin' TIGER! – to cringe back (an impressive feat, considering the size of the wooden crate and how bulky the tiger way), ears lying flat as a rumbling growl started deep in its throat.

"GETMEOUT GETMEOUT GETMEOUT!" The alchemist hollered and threw himself at the sturdy walls (a difficult feat with what little space he had, between the claustrophobia-inducing confines and the tiger), forgetting that he was indeed and awesome alchemist with the power to break the container and subdue the tiger with a simple clap of his hands. However, a shoulder made of automail tends to work pretty well too.

**LINE BREAK**

Outside of the crate, the guards that had escorted it to the step of His Majesty's Imperial Palace were startled at how violent the crate had become, not to mention the ear-piercing shriek. Huh, they were not aware that tigers could produce such sounds. In fact, they could even swear that they had heard it speaking, but that was silly; tigers didn't speak!

Unless . . . it was a magical tiger! Xing had many myths and legends centered around tigers, and now they exchanged worried glances, fearful that they may have locked up and angered a spirit in mortal form.

"Is it trying to escape?" One of the guards asked with trepidation, and then a section of the crate smashed out in a shower of splinters and woodchips, followed by a small red-clad and golden-headed human form.

"SPIRIT!" The guards cried out in horror at the sight of a human that they most certainly knew had not been in the crate before! They were sure to be cursed for their gall!

However, the theory that the tiger was a spirit was quickly disproven as the aforementioned big cat wiggled out into the open. When it caught sight of the little-upright-monkey that had disturbed its space, it roared and bounded after him, the little-upright-monkey running away from it.

The guards sighed in relief that the tiger was indeed not a spirit. That was, until they realized that: a) they had a tiger running around freely, b) the Emperor would surely not be pleased that the new tiger for his menagerie had gotten out of their hands, and c) that a human being, a _foreigner_ judging by his brightly colored hair at that, had somehow gotten into an enclosed space and into the walls of the Imperial Palace, which was a serious breach in security if they had ever heard of one.

And so it was that they gave chase after the tiger and thus the intruder that it was chasing after.

**LINE BREAK**

**Author's Note: Yo, sorry for being so late in getting this out. I've kinda lost interest in Fullmetal Alchemist fanfiction, and had such difficulty with this chapter until a sudden spark of inspiration today. My writing juices are flowing once more! Also thank the people that have reviewed recently with requests for an update; all of you reviewers rock. If I ever go a long time without updating and you want an update, just PM me or review the story and I'll see about getting a chapter out soon.**


	3. The Emperor's New Alchemist

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, or any other series that may show up in this story.**

**LINE BREAK**

Well, they'd had a good run, but eventually Edward and the tiger were apprehended. Actually, that statement is only half-true; Edward was caught up with and taken into custody, but the tiger was still nowhere to be seen. Naturally this worried the guards very much so, however, in their culture it is near-sacrilegious to attack a tiger whether with weapons or tranquilizers. So they were figuratively twiddling their thumbs and hoping the tiger didn't show up any time soon and, if it did, that they came across it while asleep. The tiger, that is. It wouldn't be much fun to be caught while asleep by a tiger.

It is a well-known fact that Xingese guards (excluding ninja-bodyguards) are all really poor at their jobs, and it's no wonder why so many assassinations happen among the royalty and nobility. After all, the main job requirement for Xingese guards is to be very handsome and wear armor that won't do squat for protection but looks very expensive and is very tasteful. So the guards were currently busy congratulating themselves, very impressed that they had actually managed to do something. In fact, if they were being graded on the same scale as an American high school student, they would have earned a high F for their efforts.

"Look at his hair and eyes! They're golden, like the Western Sage's of legend!" One of the guards pointed out as he took a closer look at their captive's foreign features. Said captive had taken half of an hour to be coaxed out of a tree (silly Edward; tigers can climb trees!), and when that was done he was so shaken up from his plight that he had hardly offered any resistance to being bound up in chains. The guards had been intelligent and realized that if the small boy could bust his way out of a crate designed to hold a tiger then the chances were that he could extricate himself from mere ropes.

". . . does this mean that he's a pseudo-holy figure? Because I'm pretty sure that there's something in the law against taking pseudo-holy figures prisoner." Another guard asked.

The rest of the guards exchanged glances.

"Well . . . we could say that he's to replace the tiger in the menagerie. After all, we don't have a tiger anymore, and I'm pretty sure there's nothing in the law about keeping pseudo-holy figures as pets." A third guard said after a long pause, grinning deviously. His comrades lauded the idea for its brilliance and the guard for his cunning, and they pulled the still-dazed alchemist up by the scruff of his red jacket and set him walking by prodding his back with the butts of their spears.

**LINE BREAK**

The guards had force-walked Edward through the Imperial Palace Compound, which while being meticulously planned out in the form of walkways and courtyards enclosed by tall white-washed walls was nevertheless very confusing. Many times they had actually wound up where they had begun, walking in circles. Finally one of the more effeminate guards had pulled an Official Imperial Compound Guide over (after getting into an argument with the others over a map and asking for directions) and had gotten them to lead them to the menagerie.

Entering the menagerie, the guards guided Edward to a large and empty cage with a boulder, artificial rock cave, and some foliage in it along with a small pool of murky green water. It looked very pleasant; for a tiger, that is.

"Now you be good in your comfy little cage and we may visit you with treats as a reward." One of the guards promised the still shell-shocked Edward, who nodded absently and plopped himself down on the boulder. The guards left and shut and locked the door to the cage.

"Say, isn't that cage a bit too large for a runt like him though?" Another guard piped up. Edward – who did not understand a word of Xingese – twitched at that as if he knew what was being said about him, and the guards that noticed gulped. They had a bad feeling about this sudden reaction, and hastened away to retrieve His Majesty to bring him the news.

**LINE BREAK**

Now the job of emperor was a very tough one. Alright, that was a lie. For the emperor of Xing, at least, the details of the job consisted of being fanned by hot women while playing board games (Xing had yet to have more modern forms of entertainment introduced by the technologically-advanced countries due to their former state of isolation) and consuming sweets. Sometimes parties were thrown, and these generally consisted of drinking and eating with other royals and nobles while watching hundreds of peasants be forced to jump into a huge pit full of starving crocodiles and venomous snakes.

It was all in good fun, really.

So when a guard interrupted the emperor's very busy schedule of playing go while eating dumplings, he was not pleased to say the least.

Alright, that was a lie. The emperor of Xing hated playing board games; he was far more into partaking in dangerous adventures against the forces of evil in distant lands.

"What is it?" He asked the kneeling guard.

"Your Majesty, your tiger has been lost. Don't worry; we're sure it will show up sometime! However, we – the other guards and I – found a replacement that should surely please you. He is in what should have been the tiger's cage at the present time." The guard said in a very respectful tone.

His curiosity was piqued. After all, how does one lose a tiger? What could they have found in such a short span of time that could possibly meet those standards? Nodding, the emperor of Xing set off with the guards in stride to the menagerie.

**LINE BREAK**

The sight that met his eyes was quite the surprise. How often does one see an old friend years younger (and much shorter) than the last time you saw him busting out of a cage with alchemy that he shouldn't even possess the ability to perform anymore?

"Ed?" Ling choked out in surprise, his eyebrows raised.

"Who're you?" Was his reply.

**LINE BREAK**

**Author's Note: Whee! Thank you for all the reviews and support, everybody! Sorry if you don't like this chapter. This whole story is an experiment for humor on my part.**


	4. One Plus One Equals Three

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or any other series to be found here.**

A while later found Ed stuffing his face with food in the palace, Ling sitting across the table from him and waiting for his guest to finish eating.

"Say, have you got any pretzels?" inquired Ed as he polished off a bowl of chow mein.

"No." one of Ling's eyebrows twitched as he continued observing the alchemist. He wanted his questions answered, and he wasn't that patient of a person.

"Darn. I'll have to keep any eye out for that pigeon again." Ed commented and reached for a platter of gyoza. Ling smacked his hand, only to bite back a curse. Damn, that had been the automail arm! The young emperor rubbed the hand that he had hit the artificial limb. Nevertheless, his point had gotten across, for Edward had withdrawn his arm back to himself despite the looks of longing he cast what remained of the veritable feast before him.

"Pigeon?" Ling questioned, wondering what a pigeon had to do with anything.

"Yeah, this bloody bird just came out of nowhere and stole my pretzel. Next thing I know I'm waking up to a freaking tiger of all things." the foreign teen scowled, and Ling stared with bemusement. Had whatever happened to bring Ed to Xing also addled his brains?

No, that couldn't be it. After all, this had to be a different Ed than the one he knew, yet somehow sort of the same. Ling could understand if Ed needed a new automail arm – arms did have the pesky habit of finding themselves detached from their owners, Ling had found – but de-aging and losing his memory? But what was most damning of all was that the fact that the alchemist was indeed a practicing alchemist once more, as the transmutation he had performed to escape the cage proved.

Realizing that Ed was waiting for a response – and had started to focus on the food again – Ling returned completely to reality to address the strange alternate version of his friend.

"Alright, so you somehow came here because of a pigeon. I suppose I can believe that; it's not too hard to believe when you live in a world of alchemy, alkahestry, body-stealing gates, and body-sharing homunculi." Ling admitted, even though it pained him to admit that he was probably crazy just for living in a world that had all this and seeing it as perfectly reasonable. Or at least, it would have if he had not grown up in this world and instead had a more mundane world to compare it with.

"Alkahestry?" Ed honed onto the unfamiliar term, although his eyes narrowed in suspicion at the emperor's knowledge of the Gate and homunculi.

"It's only Xing's equivalent of alchemy. More medical and stuff." Ling explained flippantly.

"Xing?"

Ling gaped now. He knew that alkahestry might be unknown to this version of Ed (and wasn't that a scary thought, two of him running around in one dimension), but surely he was aware of his country's neighbors!

"Uh, hello? It's only the country that forms the eastern border of the Xerxes Desert."

"Amestris has neighbors?"

"What the– are you seriously that ignorant?" Ling's esteem of this Ed was dropping.

"Hey! I'm not ignorant! I just have an incomplete rural primary school education! And as far as I know, Amestris and Ishbal are the only countries around." Edward objected.

"Look, we're getting off-track, and I can't believe that I have to be the sensible voice here."

"Well _sorry_ for being frazzled after finding myself in an unfamiliar place with a tiger and then placed in a cage." the Fullmetal Alchemist scowled.

"Alright, so hear me out here: I think you're from an alternate dimension. I know because I know you. Well, not you you, but a different you. There's also the fact that your world is apparently restricted to only two countries, your automail, your younger age, and the fact that you can still perform transmutations. Anyway, you obviously came here somehow, and there's probably a reason that you came here of all places." Ling explained.

"Yeah, I already knew all of that. I've also deduced that the pigeon is the source of my current situation." Ed stated coolly.

"Wha– how?! I was so proud of figuring that out!" whined the emperor of Xing.

"Because I'm a genius, duh." boasted the alchemist, while checking to ensure that his brochure titled 'So You've Found Yourself in a Fanfic' was tucked out of sight in a pocket of his leather pants.

Ling continued staring despite his eyes being shut as they usually were for several more moments, before reclining back and shrugging.

"Makes sense."

An awkward silence spanned between the two for a while. Not knowing what to say, both the royal and his guest were growing fidgety. The former was finally the one to break it.

"What now?" he asked.

"We wait for the convenient plot device."

"Oh, alright. Wait a second, what do you mean by–" Ling never got to finish his sentence, for at that moment the air near the ceiling disassembled to form a glowing portal out from which flew a pigeon, pretzel still in its clutch.

"Hey, gimme back my pretzel!" Edward exclaimed and leapt to his feet, but the pigeon dive-bombed him and Ling. Another portal formed before it between the two and it fell through. So did Ed and Ling, as the portal developed a gravitational pull and sucked them in.

**LINE BREAK**

**Author's Note: Yes peeps, after a long hiatus from this story I present to you another chapter. It's short like all of the others, but meh, deal with it. I suck at dialogue, so I was stuck on how to execute this for months. I eventually decided on less serious exposition and more comedy.**


End file.
